The power of imagination makes us infinite.  Keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.  A mind is like a parachute.  It doesn't work if it is not open.

Do not take life too seriously.  You will never get out of it alive.  Life's too mysterious to take it too serious.

Brains are awesome I wish everybody had one.  My brain is like The Bermuda Triangle...  Information goes in and then it's never found again.

Keep rolling your eyes.  Maybe you'll find a brain back there.

I came to this world by accident.  I was made for another planet altogether.  I mistook the way.

A turtle loses his shell; is he naked or homeless ?

What key won't open any door?  A  turkey.

When are turkeys the most grateful ?  The day after  Thanksgiving.

Does music make you wonder ?  It certainly made Stevie Wonder.

How do you get a squirrel to like you?  Act like you’re nuts.

Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil ?  She finally found Mr. Write.

A cow in an earthquake is called a milkshake.

You're so cool, you must be made of ice cream; I am so hot, you can bake cookies with me. 

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?  Ketchup. 

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito.

Beautiful is in the eye of the beholder.  Everyone has two eyes but no one has the same view.  People say I look better without glasses.  But I just can’t see it.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?  Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.  Why do you never see a phone wearing glasses?  Because they have contacts.

Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus ?

A man goes to library and asks for a book on Suicide... Librarian looks at him and says:  "hello.. who will return the book ? "

Sometimes later becomes never.  The doctor asks the client with a loss of memory to pay in advance.  Because tomorrow may never come.

Why is a good doctor able to stay calm ?  He has a lot of patients. 

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.   Best friends buy you food; true friends pay the bill; but fake friends eat your food.  Good times and crazy friends make the best memories.  Don’t bite more than you can chew !

You glow different with good people in your life.  Follow bees you can find flowers; follow flies you can only find toilets.  Bees don't waste their time explaining to flies that honey is better than shit.

Dirty war, same shit at different toilets.  If you find a toilet in your dream, don't use it.

When love is real, the farts don't matter.  Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

Whatever goes on two legs has an enemy.  Whatever goes on four legs or has wings has friends.  Money can buy a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out.

Don’t throw stones at your neighbors, if your own windows are glass. 

When you are stressed, you eat dessert.  Because stressed spelled backwards is  "desserts ".  The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.

Eating in someone's house is very stressful, you have to laugh even when the children take away your food. 

I want to be like a caterpillar, eat a lot, and sleep for a while.  Wake up, beautiful. 

A man decided he would hang himself, but thankfully, he was unsuccessful.  The rope broke.  He is trying to sue the rope manufacturer for the defective rope he purchased. 

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.

My soul is on a budget.  I can't afford negativity, doubt, drama, hate or bad vibes. 

Don't let the same snake bite you twice.  Cuttlefish produce ink to escape from predators, and skunks use spray as a last resort. 

Always remember that you are absolutely unique.  Just like everyone else.  Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.

I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am somebody's double shot of tequila.

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.  Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.

If you put the bananas and money in front of the monkeys, the monkeys will choose bananas because they don't know that money can buy a lot of bananas.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Money doesn’t make you happy, but a lack of money can create unhappiness.  Bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Kindness is always fashionable.  The sweetest things become the most bitter by excess.  Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

Can't even rob Peter to pay Paul anymore...  Peter ain't got it either. 

“Ready or not, here I come !”  When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 

The happiest people are the givers, not the takers.  Never expect a loan to a friend to be paid back if you want to keep that friend.

I have a bad habit of giving an ocean whenever someone asks for a single drop.  No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart.

Whatever you do, always give 100% - unless you're donating blood. 

Sleep like you're rich, work like you're broke.  You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic.  Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

You can use your time to make money, but you can't use the money to purchase more time.  So I bought a Rolex with the trade-in of my Timex.

A lady in front of me at the dollar store paid for my items.  I paid for the man behind me, and he left $10 with the cashier because there was no one behind him.

Life does not come with instructions on how to live.  Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.  People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.  Worry never steals the sadness of tomorrow; it only takes away the joy of today.  I may be wrong, but it's highly unlikely.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.  "I was appointed from eternity, from the beginning, before the world began". (Proverbs 8: 23)

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise the head and say  " in Jesus name ",  Amen.

Music affects emotions. The first time I sang in the church choir, twenty people changed their religion.

Money is a great servant but a bad master.  I'd like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.

I had plastic surgery last week.  I cut up my credit cards.

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.  There's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven.  No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.  If you are going through hell, keep going.  Hell is empty, and all the devils are here.

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

A thief stole my wife's credit card.  But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

Money looks better in the bank than in your closet.  I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.

A thief broke into my house last night…..  He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

Only dead fish go with the flow.  A drowning man will clutch at a straw.  My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.  Tears have no weight but it carries heavy feelings.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

My enemy said to me,  'Love your enemy.'  And I obeyed him and loved myself.

There's no fear when you're having fun.  If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.  If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid.

When you learn how much you're worth, don't settle for average.  You'll stop giving people discounts.  And make sure to add tax.

History is the story of events, with praise or blame.  10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash.  Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash.  The future is promised to no one.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye or you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk. 

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died; Never frequent beauty shops that don’t have mirrors.  They have something to hide.

When nothing goes right...  goes left.  The right thing with the wrong motive, is the wrong thing.  I am not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.

We make mistakes because life doesn’t come with instructions.  Sometimes it takes the wrong turn to get you to the right place.

I'm proud of my heart.  It's been played burnt and broken, but it still works. 

I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.  People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

Life is trying things to see if they work.  If  I am ever on life support, unplug me...  Then plug me back in.  See if that works ?

It's not my fault you thought I was normal.  I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.  They say, "Don't try this at home".  So I am coming over to your house to try it.  Don't close the doors on me, or I will come back to buy the building.

A door is much smaller compared to the house; a lock is much smaller compared to the door; and a key is the smallest of all, but a key can open the entire house.

There is absolutely no common sense, it is common non-sense.  Humans are the only species that have the ability to smile, laugh, and commit suicide.

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.  Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.  Dying is nothing.  What is terrible is not to live.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.  You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

To live is to learn, and to learn is to live.  If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to laugh about when you're old.  I hope it doesn't take you a lifetime to understand this.

The elevator to success is out of order.  You’ll have to use the stairs…  one step at a time.

Aging like fine wine.  The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.  Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese.

Time does'nt exist.  Clocks exists.  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it most never use it.  Knowledge is like underwear.  It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

Guy walks out of the restroom...  Girl says: "Sir your garage door is open...  Guy asks: "Did you see my Harley"...  Girl says: "No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires".

Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple's terms and conditions.

The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.  It was an Apple with very limited memory.  Just 1 byte and everything crashed.  Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

A headache is like a bill; it always arrives at the wrong time, just like the software update, which always appears at the wrong time, and the internet's weak signal, which makes everything slower. 

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. 

If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, then maybe it's time to stop standing and start walking.

If you are uncertain about where you stand, then step aside and have a seat.  Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you will get knocked down by traffic from both sides.

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

With great power comes a great electricity bill.  When I was young, I was scared of the dark.  Now when I see the electricity bill, I'm scared of the lights. 

They say with age comes wisdom.  It's not gray hair, it's wisdom glitter.  Therefore, I don't have wrinkles.  I have wise cracks.  

My face carries all my memories.  Wrinkles only go where the smiles have been.  If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
                  

The optimist invents the airplane;  the pessimist invents the parachute.  The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds.  The pessimist fears it is true.

I'm sick of following my dreams.  Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.  I keep calm and turn it off and on again ! 

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

I'm not an early bird or a night owl, I'm some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

A child once asked me, “Is life a dream or a reality ?”  I replied, “Life is a dream but the dream is true.”  All men dream, but not equally.

Dreams do not come true just because you dream them.  A dream you dream alone is only a dream.  A dream you dream together is reality.  The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.

You have to dream before your dreams can come true.  Don't give up on your dreams, or your dreams will give up on you.  Keep on sleeping !

Comfort and change do not dwell together.  Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them.  Step outside your comfort  zone !

Life is constantly changing.  Dreams don't have an expiration.  If you have dreams to achieve, you are still young.  Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep.  Every great dream begins with a dreamer.  If your dreams don't scare you, they are not big enough.

If you're not embarrassed by who you were a year ago, you're not growing fast enough.

Love is life.  If you miss love, you miss life.  Stop saying that marriage is "just a piece of paper".  So is money, but you still get up every day and work hard for it.

A good woman is not easy to find nowadays.  You have to steal from a careless man who doesn't value what he has.

You say you love flowers, but you cut them.  You say you love animals, but you eat them.  Now you say you love me, and I'm scared ! 

Love is a game that two can play and both win.  Marriage is not just a word; it’s a sentence.....    (a life sentence)

I asked my friend: “Aren’t you wearing your ring on the wrong finger ?”  She answers: “Yes, I’m married to the wrong man.”  I say: Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.

Love is like a fart.  If you have to force it, it's probably shit.  Some people are like clouds.  When they disappear, it's a beautiful day.

Love is not based on sex.  Love is based on respect, trust, and honesty.  You never appreciate what you have until it's gone.  Toilet paper is a good example.

I'm not single.  I'm taken, taken for granted. 

Stop saying women don't cook like Grandma, because some men don't pay bills like Grandpa either.

When a man makes more money, he feels like he wants more women; but when a woman makes more money, she feels like she doesn't need a man.

If you want a man to love you for a lifetime, love his heart not his money;  If you want a woman to love you for a lifetime, love her soul not her body. 

Women marry men hoping they will change.  Men marry women hoping they will not.  Having a wife is part of living, but living with wife is the art of living.  Love isn’t something you find.  Love is something that finds you.

Make your marriage more awesome than your wedding.  Marriage is a workshop, where husband works and wife shops.  A good husband makes a good wife.

Wife:  "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that ?"  Husband:  "How can I ?   I don't even know her !

Man has his will; woman has her way.  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find such a man !

I'm married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.

I refuse to go back to the old me.  I'm becoming a better person by using my past experiences as lessons.  Some people visit my past more than I do.  I don't live there anymore.  I sold the whole building. 

I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing...  The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.  I am teachable.  I'm not always right.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

The best thing about speaking the truth is you don't have to remember what you said.

I seriously cannot wait until all the pieces come together and I finally understand why I went through everything I did.

I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was wrong.  Mistakes are better than missed takes.  It is only those who do nothing who makes no mistake.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he is finished.

Man cannot live on bread alone; he must have peanut butter...

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.  If you're not failing from time to time, you're not aiming high enough.

People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.  If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.  Trying to make sense of crazy will make you crazy.  Be happy, it drives people crazy.

I am a very simple person in real life, and I enjoy what I do.  I try not to laugh at my own jokes but you all know I'm hilarious.  If you don't laugh at my jokes then I will.  You laugh because you think it's a joke.  I laugh because you think I'm joking.

I know I'm a handful but that's why I got two hands.  I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.